Past Articles - A Moment with Jill

Jill Fein Baker,
L.C.S.W.

5225 Old Orchard Rd, Ste 3
Skokie, IL 60077

Phone:
(847) 470-1618

Past Articles

The "C" Word

There is a word that is guaranteed to stir up feelings in relationships: commitment. For some it feels like a firm commitment would provide the magic security blanket that would make life totally peaceful. For others, commitment brings up images of entrapment, suffocation and loss of freedom. How important is commitment to a successful relationship?

Let me digress for a moment. I was talking with my brother, Frank, recently about one of his frustrations as a dentist. "I was telling a patient that he had to floss more frequently if he wanted to stop the progressive gum disease that would eventually cause him to lose his teeth or cause even more serious health problems. You know what he told me? He said he didn’t like to floss because when he did, his gums bleed too much. Of course they bleed! They’re not healthy! But they’re never going to get healthy unless he commits to daily flossing! It’s so frustrating!"

I share Frank’s frustration. Often couples come to me in pain in their relationship. When I ask how committed they are, generally at least one is actively ambivalent. Lack of a strong commitment is often a shared experience with one partner looking more ambivalent than the other. Often when that partner decides to commit, the other partner starts to feel uneasy and wants to back off. Commitment is a relationship issue as much as a personal one.

Here's the paradox: unless they make a firm commitment to each other, to the relationship, and to the process of working on it, it is unlikely that it
will improve. Commitment is the safety net that holds the participants in the process. It is the glue that ensures that, no matter what, we value the relationship enough to go through whatever difficulties arise.

If you and your partner get into a power struggle and you start thinking about leaving him or her, that doesn't give you the energy or the motivation to go through the challenging process of improving your relationship. And that's the paradox: unless we commit to something that isn't very pleasant, it will never get any better. The gums, or the relationship, will continue to bleed.

The good news is that even if you have to "fake it until you make it", a strong commitment to your partner, your relationship, and the process of working on it will provide the foundation on which the relationship of your dreams can grow.

THE IMAGO RAP

I'm the Imago Rapper and I'm here to say
You've got to make your marriage better everyday.
So listen to me and don't be a sap,
I'll take you through the Imago Rap!

There's something important that you should know,
These problems of yours started long ago.
They started with your ma, they started with your pa,
They started when all you could say was, "Waaa!"

Now, granted your parents did the best they could,
But face it, folks, it wasn't all so good.
For some of you they didn't lift a finger.
And you know what? You became a "clinger"!

Other parents did it different than some had,
And actually it was equally bad.
They held you so tight, it felt like a girdle.
You showed them, you became a "turtle"!

You grow up, and then one day,
Your eyes meet in a particular way.
His head says, "She's pretty." Her head says, "He's fun."
Their heart says, "Mom and Dad all rolled into one!"

What can I say? You know love is blind,
Since you both read, "Keeping the Love You Find."
You decide to get married, you think, "Fighting? We won't"
You walk down the aisle, say, "I do." Then you don't!

So you look for Imago therapy
You say, "Here. Fix this son-of-a-b."
You want that happy and loving feeling?
Then stretch and grow and LOVE 'em into healing.

Contain your anger, don't max or minimize,
Ask for appointments and never criticize.
I'm the Imago Rapper and I'll end by saying,
Mirror every day and don't forget the playing!

THE REAL GIFT OF CRITICISM

It is so easy to notice our partner's shortcomings, isn't it? Somehow it's not always as easy to acknowledge our own. But nature seems to have built in an exquisitely precise radar system that won't let us off the hook. This is the real gift that comes when you find yourself critical of someone else. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you spot it, you got it"? The thing that most annoys us in our partner is often similar to something in ourselves that we may be minimizing or downplaying but that also needs work. I'll give you an example.

Some time ago, I was noticing that I was really getting annoyed by a pile of clothes that my husband had not put away. I mean, here it was in our bedroom, for the looooongest time and I had been sooooo patient and not nagged him or anything. But some fairly fierce thoughts started rumbling around my head. I mean, really, how long would it take to put those clothes away? Am I asking too much?!? After all, I was the one who washed them days ago! What kind of lazy, irresponsible, disorganized guy had I married? (Warning: self-righteous indignation often precedes one of these "spot it/got it" episodes!) My patience had run out and I asked him, in the most non-chalant voice I could muster, if he thought he would be putting those clothes away sometime soon. He looked up from his cup of coffee and sweetly said, "Yeah, sure, I should do that." Hmmm. I went back to our room and stewed some more. And in my stewing, my eyes happened to scan the room and I saw a box. It was a fairly large box. It had been there since we moved in several months before. And it was mine. YIKES!

I got to work on that box, putting away what I wanted, throwing out the junk. And then an interesting thing happened within me. My compulsion to "fix" my husband's pile of clothes lifted! I had very little emotional energy about it when I looked at it. It was simply a pile of clothes, and not an indication of some huge character defect.

When you find yourself critical of your partner, or anyone else for that matter, ask yourself the question, "I wonder if this could also describe some part of me?" The more emotional energy you have about a topic, the more likely you are to be in denial that it is you. But if you sit with it and diligently ask yourself questions like, "Is it possible I am like that trait, perhaps in a different way? Have I ever been like that?" and other questions, you may find some useful information there. It is as if your psyche is trying to tap you on the shoulder and say, "Ahem. Notice this." And in the noticing you have an opportunity to be compassionate towards your partner and gentle with yourself as you both help each other grow towards wholeness.

“When you accept the limited nature of your own perceptions and become more receptive to the truth of your partner’s perceptions, a whole world opens up to you. Instead of seeing your partner’s differing views as a source of conflict, you find them a source of knowledge.”
--Harville Hendrix in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

When my husband and I first moved to our new house, we had a disagreement over which was the better way to drive home off of the expressway. “I think if you go south on Harms Road to Golf Road, and then east to our street, it’s fastest. After all, you can go 45 miles an hour down Golf, and since our street runs at a slight southeast to northwest diagonal, you’d definitely be going the fastest and shortest route!” I proclaimed. “Hmm,” he said, “I like to take Harms Road north to Glenview Road and take that east to our street.” “What?!?” I gasped, “That’s ridiculous! That is a totally silly way to go!” “Really?” he asked, “I don’t think so.”

Well, that was all the challenge I needed. I decided I would prove scientifically that my way was the best. Embarrassing as this is to admit, I actually decided to drive both routes and measure, by time and distance, which was faster. First my route: 3.8 miles in six minutes, twenty-five seconds. An excellent time! Then I drove his route. It was a full three-tenths of a mile longer and it took almost 110 seconds more! Aha! Ok, actually I was a little disappointed that the evidence wasn’t more dramatic, and I started to think back if perhaps I had had more red lights on my route when I noticed something surprising. The north route, my partner’s route, took longer because Glenview Road tends to meander a bit, winding this way and that. It’s actually prettier, with more old trees and some beautiful, big houses. Quite relaxing, actually. I humbly thanked him for widening my world. And now, unless I’m really pressed for those 110 seconds, I take the north route and enjoy the ride.