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Dealing with a
Defensive Partner
I often hear some clients bemoan the fact that what bothers them the
most about their partner, is the fact that they see their partner as
totally shut down. Others hate the fact that their partner over reacts
and takes things "the wrong way". As one man in my office
summed it up recently, "The problem with my wife is, she’s so
defensive! I say one thing and she acts like I just about killed
her." Interestingly, this woman saw the issue as being her husband’s
withdrawing. "He never wants to talk. If I tell him I want to have
a conversation he gives me the "Am I in trouble?" look and
seems to slink away." The thing that bothers each person in this
pair is the defense that their partner presents in response to THEM!
In cases where we don’t feel emotionally safe, it makes perfect
sense to want to protect ourselves. In fact, our brains seem to be
hard-wired for our survival in this way. It is this survival mechanism
that has us protect, and protect, and protect, beginning in childhood
when we may not have very many emotional or psychological tools at our
disposal. As we grow we have a tendency to hang on to our familiar ways
of protecting ourselves. This is our "automatic pilot" which
we our destined to fall back on unless and until we become conscious.
Here’s the sad irony: we often don’t realize that not only don’t
we have to protect ourselves in the same way, but that the behaviors
that we view as protections are probably making our situation worse.
The good news is that if you make your partner’s emotional safety
in your presence, a top priority, they may be able to relax those
defenses that you hate so much.
What is safety? Safety includes some of the following:
- an openness to see the actual person in front of you, and
not who you "make them up" to be;
- an attitude of non-critical curiosity;
- refraining from judgment, shaming, blaming and
criticism;
- a willingness to fully listen as well as to speak of your
own thoughts and feelings;
- validating the logic of what your partner needs, whether
or not you agree with it;
- and empathizing with their emotional state.
In essence, you have to LOVE your partner out of their need for the
defenses, rather than attacking the defense itself.
If your baby is crying for some reason, what will likely happen if
you yell at him to stop crying? That’s right – he’ll scream
all the louder. But if you try to get at the need underneath the crying
and meet that need – feed him, or help him fall asleep, or comfort
him, then he can let go of his reactions to his distress and relax back
into a comfortable, even joyful, state. That is a baby’s nature, and
underneath all of our defenses, that is our essential nature as adults: relaxed
joyfulness.
Having said that, I should also point out our responsibility to
RECEIVE the gift of safety that our partners may offer us. I remember
dating a man who was so wounded from his childhood, that he took almost
anything as an attack. I might say something neutral like, "Wow, it
sure is a beautiful day." He would furrow his brow and say,
"What? Do you think I’m stupid? Like I don’t notice it’s a
beautiful day?" If only he was able to see me as safe, he would not
hear an implied attack behind an innocent comment. His intense habitual
need to protect himself ended up protecting him from what could have
been a supportive relationship.
Take a chance today in your relationship, and ask yourself the
questions, "Am I really better off defending myself in this way? Or
might I approach the situation differently? And do I have the courage to
let myself be loved?"
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